Little Thinking

 I am trying to sleep, close my eyes

Take a deep breath, longer 

to release the thoughts about you

It's been a while really

Not that easy road, it's uphil sometimes 

Try to count all my steps 

So that I am not loss myself

World I live has been beautiful all this time

Enjoying myself, get it to the fullest

Excited in exploring things, while those insecurities come and go but after all, human

imperfections

On so many dreams without failing 

I see familiar face and smiles 

Those eyes 

Perspective in a way

Not so many

World I live has been beautiful

 in sync with the universe

Whom I have spoken so much 

about the possibility

Murmur about days and nights 

And answering a special question

How was your day?

It appears thru wind, bird's singing

Sometimes rain, rainbow, different shades of sky, stars in dark night 

Or all lie

And that is how I lie to myself

Flowers

 

Flowers bloom everywhere 

even in the most dryness 

if only that you see as it is 

But it is what it is 

Pain, just survive and thrive to give birth

new leaf comes, old bloom leaves

What's the point of being?

It is the tear we shed 

during hard days 

or laugh at small things 

in the words of little children, 

in their giggles of funny jokes 

in your stare

in your act 

in your laugh

I find myself blooming 

Guru said, life is a mix 

Sometimes left you with pain

You should laugh at your vulnerability

Early in the morning 

Sound of birds & chickens,

Clock tickling, farmers out of the house

Bed is still warm, don't leave  

Can we be cats, till the sun hits, till we're  hungry

and life continues  

with the glasses  of coffee & tea, bills paid

page of writings, emails replied

failed applications, numerous opportunities 

list of good books, adventurous trips and 

stories in between

chatty

silly

fun

sad

Like a field 

Throwing ball at each other

Not trying to catch and save 

give and everything

then it will come to and end 

Flowers 

Be watered enough

Will be your beautiful forever

Life of One

 Life of someone

Its amazingly beautiful painted 

Moving phase to phase

Slowly, fast, sometimes 

stagnant but certainly changes 

As time goes by

Together with cells of the body, mind and thoughts 

One did, made mistakes, learnt from it and continue living

Where to go? Who should be invited? Who deserve a share? What’s for?

What will make someone the happiest?

It's a continuous question 

That is why one couldn’t stop learning 

Evolve, adapt, enrich, strive

Changing day by day

Is it better? 

It's only when there is a silence

To reflect, to wait, to questions 

Life of one

For that one and only 

Self

Other self

Earth

Partner

Family

Friends

Community 

Universe

Damn

 

I thought he will always lift me up

Or available 

For my grudge or useless comments of life 

For my needy of attention 

For my smart & sweet talk

and I thought I deserve his deep affection

I am left questioned of his motive

Sometimes I felt (loved?)

Sometimes I felt questioning

I know logically non sense 

To feel all the feeling 

But it was real, cute, lifting, comforting, warm

For me being self centred  (I guess) and having little understanding and 

That overthinking 

That ruins things

...

I don't like that take care at all

Show me some effort or (am I even deserve that?) 

Waktu

 Jika waktu itu tiba

Jadilah yang paling bahagia
Merah merona bersama senja
Meski temaram dia abadi
Pada tiap detik kemudian jadi malam

Jika waktu itu tiba
Pisah dalam keabadian
Menuju sepi yang terlalu kelam
Pada kandungan ibu bumi

Sudah cukup main-mainnya
Malu hati beranak pinak
Menanti cerita pada ujung tali
Jika waktu itu tiba
Hanya nama yang abadi
 juga kenangan

Sedang Sendu

 Ah,

Bukan apa-apa!

Langit kembali gelap

Bintang enggan muncul

Bau tanah basah pun masih jauh

sedang katanya hujan ramai di November

Ada sekian peristiwa

sekian percakapan 

sekian siang malam

sekian senja

sekian cerita

kini cuma bising di kepala

Ah,  

Hidup tak selalu manis

Pilu sendiri

Kamu hebat nak!

Kamu hebat!

Mari merayakan

kepahitan, keengganan, kesepian, kesedihan, kebimbangan, ketidakpastian

Mari temukan

diri sendiri

memeluknya

lalu bahagia

Insecurity

 ust when you about to fully free

from those years of insecurity
then one tears you out
like you are nothing
just a stone


It hurts
I guess it just accidentally
to take the pain personally
between those fake smiles and laughs
feeling is not to be laughed
not to be treated like nothing

one can just say
sorry I dont like you back
and thats all
for that insecurity kills
just give one some time
wait until time and spaces
or
memory
lost
or 
disappear

Suara Sumbang

 Siswa SMP yang bunuh diri itu menyimpan luka yang terlalu dalam.

Luka yang tiap hari dikorek dengan suara-suara sumbang 

Malang nasibmu, sial ayahmu, ada pada bayang-bayang yang tidak henti di kepala

Anak malang

Anak malang 

Ah, sedihnya menyoal kepergianmu 

dengan isi surat yang terlalu cepat dewasa

Masa remaja dikerubungi dendam pada ayah

Ah, harusnya kau sedang sedikit nakal, bermain musik atau bola 

tanpa harus menanggung beban terlalu berat

Penyesalan mengiringi jalan pulangmu

Terlalu lambat memang

Ah, semoga lu aman di alam sana

Biar Tuhan Deo yang bae, dekap lu, kas sembuh lu, kas hilang itu luka, ade.

Selamat jalan

*Tentang bocah SMP yang bunuh diri di Kupang

Waktu

 Jika waktu itu tiba

Jadilah yang paling bahagia
Merah merona bersama senja
Meski temaram dia abadi
Pada tiap detik kemudian jadi malam

Jika waktu itu tiba
Pisah dalam keabadian
Menuju sepi yang terlalu kelam
Pada kandungan ibu bumi

Sudah cukup main-mainnya
Malu hati beranak pinak
Menanti cerita pada ujung tali
Jika waktu itu tiba
Hanya nama yang abadi
 juga kenangan

In God we trust

 For few weeks being trapped

in such unconsciousness
in such intersections
in such feeling

How did vulnerability be this beautiful
in a way its painfully obvious too
Its both,....... bitch!
for you know what you want
for you always honest and direct
for you know nothing about being in secret
and thats make you a bitch!

Let God feed and protect your weak heart
With amount of love like ocean
By countless amount of the sand
With beautiful colours of sunset
By colorful patterns of leaves and flowers

For God beautifully carves you
In His way, make your mark unique
In your bad and good days
In your beautiful and sad days
In your best and ugly
In your laughing and crying

Its in God's way, God'plan
Let me rest for the unfairness
Let me rest for the sadness
Let me ready for going through life
Let me be the happiest!

Past and Present

 Why you appear again in my dream

Its clearly pictured
We walked, the same path I guess, years ago
It was wet road
still

We talked, exchanges stories
We both happy
We both laughed to the same jokes still
Time flies
I know you are happy and so do I

I guess
Nothing left anymore

Scary Place

 It is a scary place

no fun anymore
Your nakedness is seen
just a play
just a drama

Whose world the happiest?
Try
When will you are the happiest?
In enjoying small things
ate lots of mangoes until your stomach hurts
humming the same song over and over
laugh until no more sadness appears
Cover it well
for the universe hugs and kiss you
thru wind and sunrise everyday
cover it well
for the world being so cruel
for a country could not save some lifes
for parents kill their baby, or God damn it,
for people ignore each other
for bullying takes one life over
for fakeness is a hype
for being you is a cursed
for your deep down vulnerability

Its countless completely
so try a least
on those small things

Healing

fall in love with mind and big heart
If there is no such thing
I rather lost on my thought and die alone

Hello!

 ts been a while

To feel this vulnerability
To feel this unorganized mind
To feel this butterflies

Its been a while
Say hello
Say hi
No Goodbye

Its been a while
To feel this naked
To feel this exposed
To feel this excitement

Its been a while
Say hello
Say hi
No Goodbye

For I am a fragile soul
and I deserve your gentle touch
For I am a fragile soul
and I deserve your wild love