Talking about life

  

Hello world,

2020 nearly goes to its end. Countless lesson learns from many cases in life from around neighborhood to someone whom I never met before. It is just that we are a soul & human being despite we come to the world in many shapes. Deep down we shared same feeling to be able to overcome our daily life difficulties and be happier day by day.

Yes, being a happy person and seeing our loved ones happy. It’s the greatest feeling in the world.

How to be happy? It’s the questions we commonly ask and seek. Becoming in that state is the greatest achievement one would so proud of.

What things make me happy? I know that I better ask myself every morning so I can use my time well. I will not be lost in thought but by action.

The thing was that sometimes I am not aware of what I seek of so that I lost in mixed feeling of being an ungrateful soul.  My vision become unclear and I struggle to find my purpose in life.  However, one thing I know that its ok sometimes to feel not ok and its valid to sometimes feel that dark feeling. Realizing that we always have option and back to our purpose soul. Each of us has a mission in life.

We then define our happiness in life differently and its totally fine and beautiful. For me personally, I will get very happy from aha moment in my daily life, well it may seem usual for other people. From being able to go to washroom and poop, enjoying my alone time, reading a good book, being listened without judge and having a good discussion with friends, my boundaries being respected as well as finishing my work.

Most people struggle during this hard time. I am grateful that I still have my monthly allowance, have healthy family and friends that I can talk to. Well, I don’t know want to be cliché and say that I feel the whole all the time. 

My love life sucks. Lol. Not that I pity myself but I guess it makes me happier. Unfortunately for me,  I  either  developed feelings to unavailable man or the time  and distance was not that friendly. 

The thing is that I haven’t met that someone yet. I hope the best but I know that I will not settle for less. Its not that because of my age or the social pressure that I will decide to commit.   Considering that  relationship is big responsibility and hard work (while my mom said that people in the past were able to live with more than 5 childs, so that you young guys will be ok. I am not going to debate my mom) and that I have to find compatible partner who will respect and treat me like what I deserve. 

So meeting a partner will be a state of my happiness? Not really, I have to be happy with myself then I will able to be happy with another person. 

All start with waking up early in the morning (its ok thoo a bit late), being aware of breathing, being grateful and setting a life purpose daily.

 

Damn

 

I thought he will always lift me up

Or available 

For my grudge or useless comments of life 

For my needy of attention 

For my smart & sweet talk

and I thought I deserve his deep affection

I am left questioned of his motive

Sometimes I felt (loved?)

Sometimes I felt questioning

I know logically non sense 

To feel all the feeling 

But it was real, cute, lifting, comforting, warm

For me being self centred  (I guess) and having little understanding and 

That overthinking 

That ruins things

...

I don't like that take care at all

Show me some effort or (am I even deserve that?) 

Waktu

 Jika waktu itu tiba

Jadilah yang paling bahagia
Merah merona bersama senja
Meski temaram dia abadi
Pada tiap detik kemudian jadi malam

Jika waktu itu tiba
Pisah dalam keabadian
Menuju sepi yang terlalu kelam
Pada kandungan ibu bumi

Sudah cukup main-mainnya
Malu hati beranak pinak
Menanti cerita pada ujung tali
Jika waktu itu tiba
Hanya nama yang abadi
 juga kenangan

Sedang Sendu

 Ah,

Bukan apa-apa!

Langit kembali gelap

Bintang enggan muncul

Bau tanah basah pun masih jauh

sedang katanya hujan ramai di November

Ada sekian peristiwa

sekian percakapan 

sekian siang malam

sekian senja

sekian cerita

kini cuma bising di kepala

Ah,  

Hidup tak selalu manis

Pilu sendiri

Kamu hebat nak!

Kamu hebat!

Mari merayakan

kepahitan, keengganan, kesepian, kesedihan, kebimbangan, ketidakpastian

Mari temukan

diri sendiri

memeluknya

lalu bahagia

Insecurity

 ust when you about to fully free

from those years of insecurity
then one tears you out
like you are nothing
just a stone


It hurts
I guess it just accidentally
to take the pain personally
between those fake smiles and laughs
feeling is not to be laughed
not to be treated like nothing

one can just say
sorry I dont like you back
and thats all
for that insecurity kills
just give one some time
wait until time and spaces
or
memory
lost
or 
disappear

Suara Sumbang

 Siswa SMP yang bunuh diri itu menyimpan luka yang terlalu dalam.

Luka yang tiap hari dikorek dengan suara-suara sumbang 

Malang nasibmu, sial ayahmu, ada pada bayang-bayang yang tidak henti di kepala

Anak malang

Anak malang 

Ah, sedihnya menyoal kepergianmu 

dengan isi surat yang terlalu cepat dewasa

Masa remaja dikerubungi dendam pada ayah

Ah, harusnya kau sedang sedikit nakal, bermain musik atau bola 

tanpa harus menanggung beban terlalu berat

Penyesalan mengiringi jalan pulangmu

Terlalu lambat memang

Ah, semoga lu aman di alam sana

Biar Tuhan Deo yang bae, dekap lu, kas sembuh lu, kas hilang itu luka, ade.

Selamat jalan

*Tentang bocah SMP yang bunuh diri di Kupang

Waktu

 Jika waktu itu tiba

Jadilah yang paling bahagia
Merah merona bersama senja
Meski temaram dia abadi
Pada tiap detik kemudian jadi malam

Jika waktu itu tiba
Pisah dalam keabadian
Menuju sepi yang terlalu kelam
Pada kandungan ibu bumi

Sudah cukup main-mainnya
Malu hati beranak pinak
Menanti cerita pada ujung tali
Jika waktu itu tiba
Hanya nama yang abadi
 juga kenangan